Jeans, jeans, jeans…the endless quest for the perfect pair and one woman’s tale of victory! Super Staffer Mary-Anne tells her story…
Let’s face it: we all need at least one pair of jeans as our go-to, wardrobe staple.
They never seem to go out of fashion, which is fine if you have that magic pair that covers all your lumps and bumps and lets you strut your good stuff…but what if that pair starts to fall apart? Or worse still, they get dangerously too tight?
This is a dark day for those of us who depend on those magic jeans to dictate fashion to the rest of our wardrobe.
It can be depressing trying to find a new pair, let alone having to buy ones in a larger size. Ugh!
For me, this hasn’t just been a dilemma – it’s been a quest.
My search for the perfect pair of jeans began way back when I was twelve-years-old. Roller-skating was all the rage and you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anything other than jeans, trendy jeans too. We were ‘wired for sound’ and bright colours were in! My eighties self scooted around in magical, bright blue, pleat-waisted ones for months until the day came when they were too tight.
Off I went to buy the exact same pair in a larger size only…they didn’t look the same. I hadn’t just grown up a bit, I’d gained puppy fat and the raised eyebrows of the other girls at the rink indicated these didn’t look nearly as cool. The pleats stuck out, the waistband bunched, and no one told me to stop tucking in my rainbow t-shirt.
Suddenly jeans were no longer my fashion friend.
…yet there was nothing else to wear and my parents couldn’t afford to keep dishing out money in my quest to find another perfect pair.
I battled with my weight, just as I battled to find magic jeans, and I thought I’d found them in a pair of skin tight denims. I wore them proudly to my uncle’s farm but crossing a shed roof and I put my foot through it (another sign I needed to lose weight!) before splitting my pants in front of my brothers and cousins, arse sticking out to much hilarity.
Little did I know this quest for those elusive pair of jeans would follow me throughout my life.
Battles have included:
- Headbutting a toilet door trying to do up a pair
- Having a button pop and fly across a table, hitting the person on the forehead opposite
- Worn inner-thigh material tearing and leaving me chafed and hobbling like a crab all day at the shops
- Hitching them so many times the waist band tore off at a picnic
I’ve had muffin tops to make the muffin man jealous, worn patches not fashion intended (knees, inner thighs), attempted safety pins instead of buttons and been stabbed, lain down and used a coat hanger to pull ‘em up and not been able to get off the bed, and, the worst moment of all – the zipper giving way like a dam levee breaking at a school function!
I had moments of success when I lost weight and the lumps and bumps receded, but I had formed the opinion by then that jeans ‘didn’t suit me’. You needed to have long thin legs, a tiny waist, a pert little bottom. I was too curvy and jeans and me were never going to work. I took to wearing jeggings and tights and gave up for a long while.
Finally, in my late forties, I stumbled across intermittent fasting and lost 23kgs, dropping two dress sizes. But could I wear jeans once more?
The fashionistas at SFD said yes, and taught me to dress for my shape, smaller or otherwise. Jeans are wonderfully back in my life and this is what I’ve learned:
- Height matters. If you are petite, they say wear high-waisted jeans to add length, if you’re tall, flared jeans to shorten your height, or white jeans to accentuate your long legs if you prefer. I’m of medium height so no wonder I was confused which way to go. Now I wear mid waist jeans which are juuust right.
- Make sure you cover the muffin correctly. Having too high a waist can add to your hips, having too low a waist will likely give you an unavoidable muffin. I wear the mid waist but they have to be the right pair as I’ve found this to be very variable.
- Ankle length matters too. Cutting off too high can make your legs look chunkier. I’ve also been told that a dark pair of jeans ending in pale ankles and dark shoes is a no-no. These days I either wear black socks and boots or a neutral coloured strappy shoe. If I’m wearing sneakers, bare ankles is best.
- If you have curves, and I certainly still do, buy stretchy jeans that will mould to your figure. A straight cut will soften hips as well. If you have a waist, accentuate it too. (Pleated and bunched really was such a rookie mistake. Poor twelve year old me.😊)
It’s not that jeans don’t suit you – you just need to find your magic pair, and you can visually drop kilos in minutes simply by putting them on. However, if you want to drop kilos for real and feel super happy in your jeans, intermittent fasting worked a treat for me.
23kgs down, it feels pretty awesome to start the day by pulling out a pair of jeans from my wardrobe and saying, ‘So, what top today?’. Now, if I could just find that rainbow t-shirt…